A four letter word that is so simple but for me was hard to say. I carried guilt because being a Stay At Home Mom (sahm), financially everything was on Joeseph. Since I wasn’t contributing financially I felt my responsibility was to keep the house in order. This eventually made it hard for me to find joy because I was tired and running on coffee and a prayer. Trying to have the house cleaned and dinner cooked by the time he came home.Eventually this lead to resentment. When he would try and take some of my load, automatically my response became “I got it” but reality was I didn’t really have it. It was a weight I was placing on my own shoulders. I didn’t realize this until time went on and I had a breakdown over the smallest thing and then the flood gates opened. Once we begin to unpack what was really going on, the root of a lot of it wasn’t the lack of help being available. It was this expectation I had placed on myself. My own comparison and others opinions played a big part in that. Seeing how other moms have cleaned homes, fancy meals made for breakfast, lunch AND dinner all while looking like they just stepped off the runway. Here I am wearing my favorite house dress (that I have in every color), possibly needing to take a shower because who knows what has accumulated on me throughout the day. Dinner was something quick and easy, because who has time for presentation. I just made sure all of the major food groups were covered. After the breakdown I found myself surrendering in honesty. I remembering saying to myself “that might work for others in their house, but this isn’t their house!”. Joeseph and I said early on that we would set the tone for our home yet I was allowing the pictures of what others were doing and old school traditions get in the way of setting the tone in our home. Once I became open to Joeseph helping and letting go of the need to be in control, I started being honest when I needed a break. I was able to find joy again in things I did around the house. I love to cook for my family and take pride in keeping our home cozy. I learned if nothing else, it’s not weak to ask for help, and in lighting my load in certain areas allows others to be filled.
